Without You
by SleepingFool
Summary: In Trunks' future, Chi Chi loses Goku because of the infamous heart disease, but how does she deal with it? Old fic of mine. Bear with me.


Disclaimer: I do not own DB, DBZ or DBGT nor do I claim that I do. All the honor goes to Akira Toriyama.

A/N: My 3rd fic ever, written years ago. Takes place in Future Trunks' timeline, it's from Chi Chi's POV about how Goku died because of the heart disease.

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**Without You**

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Letting a raspy sigh escape my mouth, I blink and lift my head and look at the ground and people around me, my eyes avoiding everything that makes this so definite. All around me are flowers in bloom, growing toward the sun. Nothing seems out of place here, it's so calm and peaceful. It's completely the opposite from what I feel inside.

I close my eyes and swallow the lump in my throat. I will not cry before everyone has left my side. I look at my kin and blink back tears. I will not let my son, my sweet, sweet son see me cry, see me break down in front of him. It's not a matter of pride, or maybe it is, but I just want to be strong for him, so he can make it through this, although I'm not sure if I will. It seems he is the only thing keeping me sane these days.

After the burial is over I close my eyes again as people begin to throw roses on his casket. I had decided to keep this silenced, no honorable speeches, just quietness. Besides, even if someone had spoken, I wouldn't have heard over my inner voices, taunting me with all the things I should've done foror said to him.

Leaving my spot beside the rest, I walk over and throw the single white rose. I can see it land softly, between a sea of red roses. He was truly unique, one of a kind, and I, a bitchy lowlife woman, had the privelege of being his wife. It wasn't always easy, I wholeheartedly admit this, but in the end I thank all that is up there for giving me the pleasure of sharing a house and bed with him, for letting me have his son.

I only now realize that the real reason for my yelling at him is that I just wanted him to stay with me. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep him. He was free, had always been free, and somehow it didn't seem fair of me to try and keep him with me. What torture it must've been for him to listen to my screams, and I often wonder how he could've stayed with me all this time, when most of the time I yelled at him. I just loved him so much, I was desperate. But that was only in public, when we were alone I was silent, always basking in the moments I could share with him alone without distractions. Over time I had realized it was important to always savour the time you get to spend with your loved ones, especially in my situation.

My husband is lowered into the ground and covered with soil. He is –was- so strong, a SSJ, but then this heart disease comes and he can't even overcome it! Damnit all! Why couldn't you live, Goku, why couldn't you just live…..? For us. For me.

Thankfully the rest of them begins to leave this serene spot between the trees, before something happens, before I do something I'll regret. When he died, I believe I shed one tear, that is all I had left to give him after I had practically cried my eyes out while tending to him. One tear. And after that I haven't cried once, I just didn't have it in me anymore. But now I'm on the verge of breaking, and I feel relieved to see Bulma gently pull my boy away from the grave of his father, I know she senses that I need to be alone, so I grant her one of my few smiles in gratitude. She nods and walks away, a comforting hand on Gohan's shoulder.

Vegeta follows her, and, even though I have a hard time acknowledging it, there is something going on between them. Goku had accidentally mentioned something about it to me before, and I couldn't believe it, but now I do. The way they look at each other, so in love. It's hard to believe that Vegeta, the Prince of all Saiyajins, looks at my friend this way, but it is true. He thinks no one notices it, but I do. It's there, in his onyx eyes. Onyx eyes that could resemble my dead husband's if they had that untainted innocence in them.

Once not too long ago we looked at each other the same way, didn't we? Oh Goku, there will never be another. Not now, not ever. I want you, I need you, it's undeniable.

Finally, alone. I raise my eyes to the sky and I can feel the first of many tears trickle down my cheek. Why did you have to leave us, why couldn't you stay? Why, in Dende's name, why! Have you forgotten your promise, your promise to always protect me, never leave me? You shouldn't have made a promise like that, because now we will have to pay the price.

His smile, his eyes, his touch that sent shivers down my spine, that gorgeous body of his, they haunt me and they will continue to do so until the day I finally die and join him. Sure, he's died before, but this is so different. There is no way to revive him now, no hope. God, will this pain ever mellow down?

My knees give out and I land on the soft grass in front of his resting place with a soft thud. Tears continue to flow richly down my pale cheeks. It all sounds hollow to me, and fits my inner emptiness. When he left, he took half my soul with him, permanently. I will never love anybody else, I am his mate, his soulmate as he is mine. We shared a bond that crossed all defenses between us, a Saiyajin bond, deeper than anything. It's like he's ripped away from me, physically, mentally, spiritually. And it hurts. I can't express it.

All my thoughts lead to the one night he was still conscious, ironically the last one, because before that he was unconscious. I still believe it was a gift from the Kais that we could have one last night together before he had to leave permanently.

Flashback

_"Chi? Are you alright?" I snort at his foolish question. How can he ask such a question, when he is the one who has a heart disease, who is dying? His voice though, sounds so very strong that it surprises me, but still, I don't dare to look at him. I just continue to stare out the window of our master bedroom as memories flood my mind._

_He has built this whole house with his own hands, it is crafted so beautifully, but right now I only gaze outside to avoid looking at him. I see nothing, but feel everything at the same time. Somehow I can feel that this is nearly the end, but I don't dare believe it._

_My family is my life, without Goku my family isn't complete, and nor is my life. What will I do without him? I don't even know if I want to stay alive…._

_"But you will, Chi. What about Gohan?" His arms encircle my thin waist and it startles me to hear his voice so close to my ear, his breath tickling it in just the right way. I should've known he would read my thoughts, and I know what he says is true._

_My eyes widen as I realize he's out of bed. What the-! I suddenly feel his lips on my bare neck and a shiver runs down my spine. The amazing things he does to me are indescribable. But how did he get out of bed? The last time I checked he was so weak he couldn't even lift his arms!_

_"Shh, it's okay. You know that this will be my last night, right?" My body stiffens at hearing him confirm my suspicion, but this was inevitable. His hands gently grasp my hips and pull me flush against his firm body. I sigh and lean back against him contentedly. I will take what I can get, whatever it is he can give to me right now._

_"Tomorrow I will have to go, but they have granted us this night." I know who he speaks of and silently thank them. My hands close over his and I turn my head to look at his handsome face, the face of my mate, my love. He smiles at me, a true smile, the likes of which I haven't seen since the day he first collapsed from this cursed disease. The disease that would destroy even him, no doubt the strongest fighter in the universe._

_I smile back, my first smile since that day, and our lips meet in a tender kiss. Turning around in his embrace, I tightly wrap my arms around his neck and continue kissing him. I feel him carry me over to our bed, one hand beneath my bottom and the other around my waist. Ever so gently he lays me down on it and starts to caress my sides through the material of my flimsy nightgown._

_When we part I look up at him, my eyes glazed over with a mix of love, desire and sadness. He knows what I feel and I know what he feels, but still, I need to say it out loud._

_"I love you, Goku, and I will always love you." I kiss him again, pouring all my feelings into it as I let my hands slide down lower over his powerful arms to his muscled abdomen. My feathery light touches always have a clearly visible effect on him; he shivers against me. Breaking the kiss, he looks deep into my eyes again and his expression turns even more serious, if that is at all possible._

_"Chi Chi, you have no idea how much I love you. I love you more than my own life. I need you to promise me- promise me that you'll keep living and take care of Gohan." I will, I honestly will try. But now I just don't want to think about it anymore, not think about how I will lose the love of my life tomorrow, the father of my child. I just want to vanish inside his kiss. So, instead of answering him with words I pull him even closer and kiss him again. After that we don't say anything anymore as he makes sweet love to me._

A couple of hours later...

_The day after, he announced it was time for him to go. I was crumpling on the inside, but I didn't show, I just got Gohan and together we sat there at his bed and he spoke his last words. I remember him smiling sadly at us, telling us it was not the end. That it was a new beginning, that we would see him again eventually. He was weakly lying in the bed, not at all like last night._

_"Gohan, take care of your Mom for me, okay? She really needs you right now." I blinked and swallowed, looking at my young son as tears streamed down his little face. I already knew he would be a great man, I had always known._

_"I will, but…." He didn't finish his sentence as he captured his father in a bear hug and a tiny smile graced Goku's face. He opened his other arm for me and I gladly accepted the invitation._

_"I'm proud of you Gohan, you'll be a great warrior someday. And we'll all see each other again." He turned his eyes to me and no words were necessary as I saw my whole world in his eyes, everything. Slowly closing his eyes, his grip on us tightened for a second, before it loosened._

_"I love you both." And with that he took his last breath and he was gone. I looked at my son and embraced him tightly as one tear made it's way down my cheek. I knew I would never be complete again until I was with him again._

Present

My hands ball into fists as I let more tears flow down my face. I'm all alone now, but somehow I will survive, for him, for Gohan. It gives me comfort that I'll always have memories to cling to.

"Goku, I know I'll see you again when the time is right for us. Then we'll be together forever." I reach forward and let my fingertips lightly touch the cold texture of the tombstone. I can feel myself tremble with all the bottled up emotions raging inside of me. I can't say goodbye, my sweet Goku, it'll be like – like we went for a while without seeing each other.

It stands beneath a great oak, in the field where he used to take me and Gohan on our free afternoons. Memories continuously flood my mind, but I ignore them for now as I dwell in grief.

My hands further explore the stone until they arrive at the engravings. Through my blurry vision I can just make out what is written, and the last remains of the walls around my sanity crumble as my fingers follow the path of my eyes. My mind processes the words and I pound on the soil with my fists as I scream my pain for the world to hear. It's agonizing, it's terrible, this pain. I love you, Goku. God, I love you so much.

_Loving husband, father, grandfather and friend  
Never let time erase our memories of you  
You will be missed, you are in our hearts forever_

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My God, this feels ancient. C/C appreciated, as always.


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